god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
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