I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
