i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
