Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
