My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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