This house was built for laser tag.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
