My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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