im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
