I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
