why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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