you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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