He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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