dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
