it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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