I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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