I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
