ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
