I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
