god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
