My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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