life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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