When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
