Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize