I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.