He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
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