you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.