Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
