Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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