what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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