So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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