mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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