My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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