Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
