just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
