seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found the puke drawer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
