I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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