I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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