i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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