it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
