I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
