FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
