I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
