I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
