apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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