nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Everything about him screamed your future.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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