they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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