I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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