how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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