I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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