Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize