I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Drake has all the answers
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
