I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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