Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
