Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
