Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
