I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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